Ever since first launching ModernMatriarchy.org in early 2021, I’ve gotten a lot of questions: Is Modern Matriarchy a joke? Is this a kink? Does this have anything to do with sadomasochism (S/M) or female domination (femdom)?
The answers are no, no, and, again, no. Matriarchy, and in particular, Modern Matriarchy, is not a joke, nor does it have anything to do with kink, sadomasochism, or female domination (I don’t think I would have been asked the same questions if I were writing about Modern Patriarchy).
Modern Matriarchy means accelerating true leadership and equality for women by looking beyond traditional ideas and embracing new solutions.
Feminism was a good start, but feminism’s fatal flaw is it exists within patriarchy.
Even after decades of feminism, the fundamental problems between the sexes remain unchanged:
1. Having children hurts the careers of women.
2. Work–life balance after having children is a continual struggle.
3. Women spend more time in caregiving than men do.
4. Women still lose their identities in marriage.
Feminism has made some progress on these problems, but not enough, because it hasn’t been able to make the deeper cultural changes society needs. And right now something is happening in society, even more threatening than global warming.
One of the biggest threats to humanity right now is declining birthrates, as more and more countries are falling below their replacement rate, which I wrote about here.
The birthrate decline is happening globally in all types of societies: capitalist, socialist, and communist. Maybe the issue isn’t the economic model of society, but something different and far more fundamental.
Without changes to the structure of society you cannot solve the problems that threaten society itself, and this means adding matriarchal marriages and relationships as part of an “all of the above” solution to help increase the number of families in the world.
Remember when feminism was going to lead women to a new era of equality? Perhaps a large part of the problems we are experiencing in society now are due to the unfulfilled promises of feminism: times have changed, economies have changed, but the role of women in society has not.
What Modern Matriarchy hopes to do is fulfill the promise of feminism by empowering women to reach their full leadership potential in society, in the workplace, in the home, and in relationships.
Matriarchy is different because it requires sacrifice from men.
For example, when he marries, a man gets the naming rights to not only the family that is created but to his wife as well, as traditionally the woman takes his last name or hyphenates her own.
Modern Matriarchy believes it is time for women to have these same rights, and the family is the best place to start the change to a world that views the qualifications for leadership not based on gender, but solely on a vision and desire to lead.
In fact, the model for ideal leadership in Modern Matriarchy—and our technological age for that matter—is Greenleaf’s idea of servant leadership: “A servant-leader focuses primarily on the growth and well-being of people and the communities to which they belong. While traditional leadership generally involves the accumulation and exercise of power by one at the ‘top of the pyramid,’ servant leadership is different. The servant-leader shares power, puts the needs of others first and helps people develop and perform as highly as possible”.
How many families—and governments, corporations, and organizations—would be better places if they practiced servant leadership?
The Modern Matriarchy idea of leadership at home means that a woman has the same right to ask a man for the things he would traditionally expect: to be the head of the family, for him to take her name, to put her name on the children, to ask him to marry her, and for him to stay at home and take care of the family.
Throughout history, societies and civilizations have been built upon the bedrock of families, and here is where the change needs to start: the place where the next generation can grow up under female guidance, and see their mothers lead.
Yes, it might be a point of pride and ego that the man is traditionally in charge, but how many families exist right now where the woman is the clear leader, but is never allowed to have that acknowledgment?
It’s more than past time for men to not only start thinking rationally about a woman’s leadership potential, but to actually make sacrifices—as women have traditionally done for men—to make sure that leadership happens.
How can a woman attain true leadership in the workplace or in society if she doesn’t even have it at home?
Giving the family leadership to women is one way a man can show a woman that he plans to spend his life with her and put their family’s needs above his own. It takes a very strong man to put his family first, and a strong man is a man a woman will be proud of.
Modern Matriarchy is not about one gender winning or losing, it’s about the team succeeding. That’s the difference.
Modern Matriarchy is meritocracy in its purest and simplest form: the best person to lead society, the workplace, or home, should be able to do so without any traditions or discrimination holding them back. Nothing more, nothing less.
Of course, if a couple decides a traditional patriarchy is what they want, so be it. At least there are options.
Societal traditions are some of the hardest changes to make, but change can happen, but it can only happen one relationship at a time. For some men, the ability to adapt to this change in women’s choices for their lives may be the difference between having a family or not having one at all.
In future articles I’ll discuss the potential changes Modern Matriarchy holds for society. I will also discuss the four different potential relationship types that are emerging as we move through the twenty-first century (matriarchy, patriarchy, gynarchy, and androarchy) and their implications for families.
I look forward to interesting discussions.
This article is a wonderful presentation on how Female Led Relationships can work. For the men, as you can plainly read, this is all about becoming partners in the truest sense of the word. By becoming more agreeable, kinder and loving, you can trust in her as she does in you. Taking her name seems like you would be losing something, but we are in the 21st Century where genealogy is available to see that you are still an equal part of the family. When you take her name, you are giving her that piece of history that women never had. Be a historic man, let women lead you.
I’ve been a family counselor for over twenty years. I have seen the FLR achieve so much more than almost every couple expects it to.
Hi, Lady Hillary!
You have expressed my thoughts and feelings so well.
I admire your mind and your ability to express.
with my best regards.
“Be a historic man, let her lead you”. What a beautiful phrase
Very well said, ma’am!
I’m glad that I found this article and thankful for your comments.
I’m from a matriarchal family, from my grandmothers on down.
I’m married and my wife is a great leader of all ‘5 food groups’
If I were to marry again, I would be very proud to take my wife’s name!
Thanks again.
Very well written and thought provoking. As you allude to, female equality exists within a patriarchal framework. Almost asking permission to be equal. Matriarchy has ambition and aspiration of its own
In my younger days l would have baulked at the idea of taking my wife’s name. I have a unique surname and would have felt like my family line would be lost. I was the only male left with the name in my family. I now have sons and grandsons with the name, so have done my bit! But in reality, did that matter?
If l ever remarried, l could only consider a FLR. If l believe in Matriarchy, how could it be different. I would be completely open to taking my wife’s name, if that was what she wanted. She’ll be making the big decisions after all. Would love to turn traditional vows around and promise to “love honour and obey” my new wife, in a public declaration of who is in charge
I get that Matriarchy is not kink, however, some of us have a strong instinct , desire, or even a powerful need to be led by a woman. I think that “kinks” act as both an outlet, and a mask for this need. In other words, I think that a man who fantasizes about being whipped by a woman, really just wants to be led by a woman, and the extreme fantasies are the outlet for that need.
So to me, it seems like women who want a matriarchy, or who want a matriarchal relationship, should harness this instinct in men.
Likewise, I think that couples who follow a patriarchal relationship would be following their instincts, which are sexual in nature – however, I honestly believe that there are more couples out there where the woman rules over the man than the other way around, and you’re right – it isn’t acknowledged. My guess is that more people come to this arrangement, because matriarchy is actually more natural.
As a man, I would very much prefer to be in a matriarchal or female-led marriage. In an ideal world, if I married, I would prefer to take my wife’s last name, but this seems difficult to me, because of how others would judge me for it. To me, it’s romantic, and would be a sign of my love for her and obedience to her. I would love to be in this kind of relationship, and to publicly and openly acknowledge my wife as the leader. I don’t desire to be whipped, humiliated, cuckolded, etc. I want to be led by a woman, even in the most mundane aspects of life, and perhaps this is my kink. So what? It’s instinct and it comes from somewhere. It is nature. If women want matriarchy, they can have it – but don’t ignore this desire that men have to submit. It’s important.
Personally, I would love to live in a world which is basically matriarchal for the most part – not just an option, but the default option. I hope that it happens one day.
I think you will find that structure is the social problem for equality practices.
Alexandra Kollontai, the Bolshevik Leader, was able to design an entirely new family structure following the victory of the October Revolution.
Feminism ought to be Marxist if it wants to succeed theoretically, and then practically.
For the better part of my 57 years I was a card carrying member of the patriarchy. Then, several years ago, I had an epiphany. The patriarchy is a failed system that has caused the world and its society enormous amounts of pain and grief. In my heart I know that if the world was a matriarchy we wouldn’t see even half the problems that have occurred and are occurring. I love the idea that change must start at home. I have fully embraced my wife as the leader of our family and boy, has it been wonderful. Our marriage has truly thrived. Now, if only the rest of the world would realize that the better path is a matriarchal society.
Why is it that anyone should loose their identity in marriage, why should anyone have to change their name? In a matriarchy surely marriage shouldn’t exist, its acknowledging that a woman is reliant on a man.
The process of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding is life changing and change a woman’s attitude towards a career. The very wonder of it can make getting the next promotion seem trivial. I believe for many mothers the only thing that pushes them towards that promotion is the pressure of a consumer society that judges you by how much stuff you have.
But more importantly the rigours of bringing a new life to this planet will set up a very close bond between mother and child, it isn’t therefore surprising then that in every culture the mother is the primary care giver to the child. Almost every mother would fight against an attempt to take that away from her.
In a matriarchal society simply being a mother would bring status and veneration, trying to ape the standards of a patriarchal society will not satisfy.